Follow-up article to my letter to the editor- published in OSU Barometer today. See original and comments here.
My letter to the editor (“Concerning Lookers and Gawkers: Back off Fellas- November 3, 2009) was written to catalyze a dialogue on the issue of unwanted male attention.
When we see it as acceptable for men to think with their genitals, conducting one’s self as if one’s sexual “needs” and desires are at the center of the universe, there is a problem. The attitude that everything revolves around one’s own “needs,” and that objectifying other human beings is “natural” because it satisfies your sexual desires is immature and misguided.
Even those who took issue with my letter agreed that their attitudes toward women were pretty much in line with the way I described it (Thanks, Brian!). Unlike Mr. Krichevsky, my address to guys was not an attack- it was a personal commentary. I think it only takes a moment of critical thinking to see that a general term like “guys” is used to mean certain kinds of guys, not all guys. It’s like how Mr. Krichevsky used the term “farm animal” to mean a certain kind of farm animal, and was not implying that he thought I was anything like a fluffy yellow chick, a friendly barn cat, or a lovely young philly.
What bothers me is that the constant evaluation and judgment of women’s sexiness, in every environment (the workplace, at the gym, on the sidewalk, etc.) is considered “normal.” To me, treating women as if they are less than full human beings, that is, to see them only as an image that you like or dislike, is an act of hatred. As MontesIreland pointed out in the comments to my letter, misogyny is pretty STRANGE behavior.
When a man believes that a woman will react positively to his advances, and then she calls him out or tells him she does not want it, what happens next is very interesting. Many times she is attacked verbally, blamed for her own feelings, or told that her ideas of what is appropriate are invalid. Sometimes, the advance continues anyway, and this is how we get the statistic that, on a campus our size, according to the U.S. Bureau of Justice, 350 women are raped every school year (2005).
You might be confused about why I’m implying that something so innocent as a stare could be lumped together with contempt of women, or rape on campus. It’s a compliment, for crying out loud, right? Mr. Trevor (“It’s a Two-Way Street, Ladies”- November 9, 2009) said, “When was the last time you objected to a member of the opposite sex noticing you? To be honest I don’t think it happens that often. It is a huge confidence booster to have someone smile and notice you.” Well, Kylen, I’ll tell you that most of the time men who look at me aren’t looking me in the eye, and they are not smiling. They kind of look like zombies, actually. Did you give any thought to the idea that you, as a male, are not the object of most men’s looks, and therefore may not be properly experienced to judge how this appears to women? Good for you if you actually look women in the eye and smile. I’ll smile back, I promise.
“Not all men view women through shallow, testosterone goggles. We do look at women, and I hate to say this, but it is natural and biological.” I think these two sentences contradict each other, Mr. Trevor. If you are arguing that you look at women simply because of a biological drive, but not because of hormones, what exactly are you talking about when you blame nature? I think what you are doing is conflating “nature” and “society.” I think you defend staring at attractive women as an unalienable right because society is telling you that women will always welcome any kind of male attention.
The thing is, visually enjoying someone could make the object (that is, a human being) of your gaze feel any number of things, including: feeling flattered, unsafe, annoyed, angry, happy, or threatened. It doesn’t always feel like a compliment. A lot of times it feels intrusive. Also, it’s supremely inaccurate to blame women for the way men look at them. That’s called “victim blaming.” It happens a lot because sometimes it’s really hard to take responsibility for our own actions, and the impact those actions have on others.
A misconception exists that feminism is sexist because it advocates for women. Feminism is not anti-male. Yes, feminist views are often critical of men’s behavior, because frankly, a lot of behavior exhibited by men is abhorrent. Oh, and using “feminist” as an epithet doesn’t really make sense. Feminism is a framework and a theory. Attacking a feminist for being a feminist is like attacking a chemist for being a chemist. It’s a way of looking at the world, and it doesn’t have anything to do with hating men. It has to do with standing up against the threat of violence which women live with everyday. Do people who are not psychologists feel threatened by someone who identifies as a psychologist? To those who use “feminist” as a derogatory term, what exactly are you afraid of?
Where is the line between sexual harassment/assault and acceptable behavior? It depends on who gets to draw the line. As demonstrated in our discussion, when men draw the line, a lot more behavior is seen as “normal.” When women draw the line for themselves, much of what men see as normal, are behaviors that most women see as a violation of their personhood. Much of it is unwanted and feels like a threat. Who has the right to decide how a woman’s body is used or enjoyed by others? She does—always, and every time.
